Fast Five: Faster and Furiouser!

 
I've never used the term "jaw dropping" in a review. It's cliche and ready made to grace the front of a DVD cover. And yet, there I was with my mouth hanging open, a result of the action sequences in Fast Five. Even before the credits could roll, a bus full of prisoners flies through the air and crashes down in a balletic display of beautiful slow-motion destruction. It was truly jaw dropping.

Well-choreographed by director Justin Lin and his crew, the details are never lost in the hyper-fragmented editing and noise. Each shot grabs every burnt piece of rubber and flying speck of turf. When someone is hanging off the side of a fiery speeding train, a wide shot reveals that a real person is indeed hanging off the side of a real train. The attention given to how each individual car is smashed (there are dozens) and every piece of property is destroyed is nothing short of impressive.

The accomplishment seems more astounding considering this is the fourth sequel in the series. It continues the story from the previous film, though I can only assume this since I haven't seen the last two movies. Vin Diesel, Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster return as the reconfigured family of hot rodding crooks. After helping Dom (Vin Diesel) escape from prison, the three hide out in Rio de Janeiro to wait until things cool off. After a heist goes wrong, however, they soon find themselves at the top of the Most Wanted list. With a rabid DEA agent (Dwayne Johnson) and Brazil's biggest crime boss on their tails, they pull together a crack team for one last big job where the take would allow them to disappear forever.

Whereas the action is amazing, the writing and acting is less so. The jokes are broad, simplistic, repetitive, and can't compare with the unintentional humor found in other aspects. Dwayne Johnson's character seems to have left an action movie parody (something he's not totally unfamiliar with) to come kick ass in this. He barks trite one-liners like "And just one thing - stay the fuck out of my way!", which made me wonder if this movie wasn't a parody itself.

But to be fair, he's not there to play anything resembling a real person. He and Diesel are like two monolithic super humans who are more adept at surviving jumps off of two-story buildings than uttering a convincing line of dialogue. When they finally clash, it's like watching dinosaurs with arms like Christmas hams wrestle. Sticking with the cast's physicality, seeing the skeletal Brewster compared to these guys made me realize the men in this movie had bigger breasts than the women.

 Nice boobs.

At the same time, the movie still managed to make me care about the characters. While backgrounds and motivations are often outright dismissed (when Tej, played by Chris "Ludicris" Bridges, is asked how he came to know so much about safes, he simply answers "I had a life before you guys") the team members are brought to life through little quirks and interactions.

The stand-out is Han Lue (Sung Kang) in a depiction of Asian men rarely seen in American cinema. Actors of Asian descent justifiably complain of the limited, emasculated roles in which they're often typecast. Not so here - Lue doesn't occupy the usual technician or scientist role, but instead is known as the guy who "blends in", a regular dude and love interest to a hot French chick. It was a breath of fresh air in a genre that would usually have him doing martial arts.

Saving My Old Junk: The Holiday (2006)

It's summertime, which also means vacation time for those of us that can afford it. Most vacationers will be booking rooms at hotels, hostels or sleeping on friends' couches when they go away. If I know people and their fears of being killed by strangers, they probably won't be looking for digs through a home exchange website like the two female leads in The Holiday.

The Christmas rom-com has Kate Winslet's character and Cameron Diaz's character agreeing to anonymously switch homes for the holidays. It's done through an online service that would seem totally ludicrous if it wasn't also totally true. When it comes to potential murder victims, this seems like one rung under the Craigslist personal ads. It may result in love for Winslet and Diaz, but for most of us, it would probably result in being found chopped up in a plastic bag behind a supermarket. So don't hate me if I didn't buy into this. I just happen to value my life.

The Holiday



It's that time of year again, and what better gift could Hollywood give us than another piece of fluffy crap. In all fairness, The Holiday restrains itself from being the most obnoxiously cute addition to the romantic comedy genre, but there are all the trappings of such (for example, quirky characters and desperate women taking desperate measures in a final attempt to not give up on men). But admittedly, there is nothing I love more than ripping the newest chick flick a new one. Merry Christmas to me!

Suspension of disbelief remains the most necessary trait needed to sit through a movie like this, as romantic comedies operate in the farthest realm of reality. Case in point: the two main characters, Amanda (Cameron Diaz) and Iris (Kate Winslet) are two strangers who cross paths online at a home exchange website. In order to escape their unrequited romances, the women trade places site unseen for the holidays. Iris moves into Amanda's lavish L.A. home and Amanda takes up residence in Iris's quaint English cottage, resulting in yet another charmingly ludicrous plot device. Inevitably, they find love in the unlikeliest of places as Amanda meets Iris's single brother (Jude Law), and Iris meets film composer Miles (Jack Black).

The key to a successful romantic comedy is chemistry, which is the basic problem throughout The Holiday. Winslet and Black are adorable, and I always root for the couples who look more like real people, but sparks never seem to fly and the pacing does little to start some. They seem too busy laughing and goofing off to consummate.

Meanwhile, the movie tries to force a fire between the two beauties Diaz and Law, but they are so awkwardly miscast that their situation seems more like forced breeding than a passionate romp. But c'mon, who wouldn't want to watch these gorgeous specimens collide? Unfortunately, said collision is more disastrous than explosive, and the interaction between these equally attractive people is like watching cousins kiss.

Director/writer Nancy Meyers has a penchant for love stories like The Holiday, and her track record proves it (Something's Gotta Give, the awful I Love Trouble). But her writing becomes more concerned with poking fun at her own movie rather than making it original. Are we supposed to feel enlightened when she points out the time-old formulaic qualities of the romantic comedy genre, courtesy of a line of dialogue where someone is described as being a "Leading Lady", but she's acting like "the Best Friend"? This smirky self-awareness tries but fails at an amateur attempt to make the movie more than it is.

If anything, I think I'd rather spend this holiday out of the theaters than put up with this lukewarm, poorly executed, pretend meta garbage.

Grade I originally gave it: C -
Grade I give it now: D + (for helping to further overexpose Jack Black)

Saving My Old Junk: For Your Consideration (2006)

It's graduation time, and whether it's college or high school, students everywhere are being congratulated for their achievements. All the long-winded commencement speeches, back patting and temporary feeling of triumph reminds me of another thing: awards season.

In 2006, the king of mockumentaries, Christopher Guest, made a conventional comedy skewering the Hollywood machine and the vapid build-up to the most respected and overrated of ceremonies, the Academy Awards. The feeling of being rewarded for your work might be exhilarating, but by the next day, real-life sets in. For grads, it's realizing that a long job search awaits, while for those in Guest's For Your Consideration, it's becoming victim to the infamous Oscar curse that has taken down many talented professionals. Either way, everyone should just enjoy the moment while it lasts.

For Your Consideration

Filmmaker Christopher Guest retains a simple formula for his patented mockumentaries: don't script the scene and get it in two to three takes. For Your Consideration is no exception, but the new creation from Guest and his cast of regulars strays from the documentary style of Spinal Tap or Best In Show. For once, it seems, they have made a regular movie.

Beyond the formalist conventions, however, Consideration remains a Guest movie at heart as it focuses on an institution whose ridiculous inhabitants lend themselves to derision. This time it's the set of an independent movie, Home For Purim, where has-beens and never-weres look for their next big break in the little project. Their hopes are further fueled when an amateur movie website praises the film and confirms one performance as "Oscar-worthy." With award buzz in the air, Purim's cast then find themselves at the mercy of a vacuous promotional circuit that includes everything from bonehead shock jocks to pandering morning programs.

As the movie progresses, it becomes an attempt to lampoon the symbiotic relationship between the Hollywood movie machine and entertainment news with the industry hierarchy at the center of the joke. Everyone from clueless studio suits to celebrity gossip show hosts (played stiffly by Jane Lynch and Fred Willard) are portrayed here in obnoxious fashion.

One hilarious aspect of Guest and fellow writer Eugene Levy's films is the Teflon quality given to their characters - their delusions keep them diligent even in the face of total disappointment. It's an element lost here amidst the commentary on Tinseltown. When Consideration opens with veteran actress, Marilyn Hack, (a washed-out Catherine O' Hara) watching a clip of Bette Davis, the viewer witnesses a telling desperation in her face. She is aware of her own failure as an artist, and it shows. Fellow actor, Victor Allan Miller (Harry Shearer), on the other hand, just wants enough fame to keep him out of having to do commercials.

The tone of Consideration teeters on tragic as the characters humiliate and degrade themselves for one moment of recognition. Unlike the troopers in previous Guest films, one realizes that these subjects may be left broken come nomination night as they lack that certain obliviousness needed to survive. Ignorance is bliss, but hopefully, unlike his characters, Guest will learn from this mistake.

Grade I originally gave it: C
Grade I give it now: C (or a 2.0 by GPA standards)

Congrats graduates, and good luck!

Saving My Old Junk: Black Christmas (2006)

Today is Mother's Day, and it reminds me of two things: holiday traditions, and how a bad mother can screw you up for life. That's why I decided to take Black Christmas out of the Undress Me Robot vault. The yuletide sick flick was part of my yearly ritual of watching horror movies on the birthday of baby Jesus. It follows a group of young college women stuck in their sorority house as they're slaughtered one-by-one by an escaped mental patient. And what caused this person to become a homicidal psychopath? Because his mother was a sadistic witch that tortured him until he finally lost it.

So on this Mother's Day, we should thank all the sane, loving women who didn't chain us to a chair in the attic and burn cigarettes out on our arms. Because, you know, they could have. Thanks, mom!

Black Christmas

The writers might have taken a cue from "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" when they conceived Black Christmas, a remake of a 1974 movie of the same name. The lyrics "We'll tell scary ghost stories, and tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago" could not be more appropriate for this somewhat enjoyable piece of horror fare. Replace "glories" with "psychopathic bloodfest" and we might have something.

The new take pulls no punches, as anyone can see from the violent opening. A sleepy college town empties out for the holidays, leaving a group of snowbound sorority sisters to fend for themselves against an unseen foe. Too bad for them, they live in a house notorious for some gruesome Halloween-esque murders that took place on Christmas fifteen years before.

Now the killer, newly escaped from the local asylum, is ready to reclaim his childhood home. But, as the parallel editing between the ensuing escape and the already occurring murders suggest, there is a second killer and it's up to the group to find out before it's too late.

From the beginning, a slew of stabbings, smotherings and eye gougings galore terrorize the hot, young victims, but the movie provides a few unexpected surprises. Unlike most movies of this genre, Black Christmas borrows some unorthodox devices in order to keep the action interesting. For one, there are red herrings throughout, allowing the audience to mull over the identity of the true killer. Is it the creepy reclusive girl, the stranger in from the cold, or the boyfriend with the grudge? Storytelling and atmospheric flashbacks provide clues and more gory fodder as the characters try to piece together the possible suspects. The whodunit element adds a kooky mystery dinner theater air, and combines well with the slasher aspects of the rest of the movie.

Even though the filmmakers are trying their best to stray from another mediocre teen horror flick, it doesn't change the fact that the ending falls flat and many of the scares are laughable at best. Still, you could do worst. You could be watching Deck The Halls.

Grade I originally gave it: C +
Grade I give it now: C - (too many horror movie remakes nowadays)

Saving My Old Junk: Knocked Up (2007)

We Americans just love unplanned pregnancies! Look at the success of shows like MTV's "16 and Pregnant" and the subsequent "Teen Mom" series, and the media coverage around unwed mothers like Kate Hudson, Natalie Portman and, most recently, January Jones, who many speculate could be carrying the baby of her ex-boyfriend, comedian Jason Sudeikis. Man, that is some good unplanned pregnancy right there!

Judd Apatow tapped into that fascination with Knocked Up, a comedy that feels closer to an honest portrayal than any real-life documentation. It doesn't have the stereotyped white trash grittiness of "Teen Mom", nor does it try to glamorize the situation in any way. Instead, it finds a middle ground by showing how two normal, fairly well-adjusted people deal with a life-changing event. It also showcases some of the best performances from Leslie Mann, Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd, and Katherine Heigl before she became one of most despised people in Hollywood for continually taking roles in pandering, insulting rom-coms. At least we can say that we knew her when.

Knocked Up

 

As movies about the pressures of parenthood go, Knocked Up is a Look Who's Talking for the new generation, except, you know, funny. Judd Apatow and his band of grown up freaks and geeks take another hit at the ignorance of people when it comes to sex, relationships, and, in this chapter, the inevitable consequences.

After a wild, unprotected night, "E! News" reporter Alison Scott (Katherine Heigl) and hapless pothead Ben Stone (Seth Rogen) face reality when Alison finds herself twelve weeks pregnant. As the due date nears, the two assess the status of their relationship in order to understand why their lives suddenly became so intertwined. Are they truly in love, or does the pregnancy force them to make better choices and, therefore, more suitable partners? The movie does not provide any easy answers, and adds another element - the couple's potential future, realized in Alison's married older sister Debbie (played with hilarious bitchy gusto by Apatow's real life wife, Leslie Mann) and her husband Pete (Paul Rudd in top form).

Along the way, both Alison and Ben garner plenty of laughs as the movie cuts back and forth between them, following their progress. While Alison finds solace in the well-meaning, albeit bitter, advice from a vexed Debbie, Ben tries to reconcile balancing his slacker lifestyle with supporting a child. His circle of friends are no help, and his friendship with Pete lasts only because they are two men treading water in a sea of estrogen. Both partners make mistakes (Alison tries to hide her pregnancy from her image-obsessed producers, while Ben still continues to over indulge in marijuana) and the four main characters slowly become wise to their shortcomings. "I wish I could enjoy anything the way my kids enjoy bubbles," Pete laments as he watches his daughters frolic in the park. "Their smiling faces point out my inability to enjoy life."

However, the comedy transitions easily into some notably heartwarming, yet understated, moments. Even the biggest scrooge would soften when father Stone (Harold Ramis) tells his confused son that he is the best thing that ever happened in his life. The statement is unhesitating, genuine, and untainted by dramatic devices like a swelling musical score. "I'm the best thing that ever happened to you? Now I feel sorry for you," Ben replies, reestablishing their unsentimental male bond. When they are refused to enter a club, a hard-edged Debbie lets her guard down, revealing her fears of getting older and abandoned by who she considers a comparatively better looking husband. The vulnerability is refreshing in a movie that might be written off as another adolescent comedy, giving it an air of maturity.

The movie even manages, via Heigl's role, to inject a bit of star system humor. "You managed to make Steve Carrell look like an asshole," says a colleague (Bill Hader) to Alison after a red carpet meltdown, as if referring to Carrell's nice guy role in Knocked Up's predecessor The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Ryan Seacrest, James Franco, and others also play along as the movie nearly morphs into a promo for its box-office competition, taking it to another level of self-awareness. I counted at least three mentions of Spider-Man 3, even one where all of Ben's friends race off-screen at the mention of a matinee, as if they're literally leaving their own movie for the much-hyped blockbuster. Not that they need to worry about success; their arrogance is much deserved, as they have produced a well-written, must-see movie better than any big-budget flick.

Grade I originally gave it: A
Grade I give it now: A- (it has Heigl stink all over it)

Saving My Old Junk: Sicko (2007)

The death of Osama Bin Laden has whipped the country into a patriotic fervor, briefly distracting us from the issues that have divided the public since Obama took office. But it won't be long before everyone comes down from their Bin Laden high, remembers health care reform and starts hating each other again. Cries of "Socialism!" will ring out and paranoid conspiracy theories will be slung.

Controversial documentarian Michael Moore was pushing the topic before Obama even took office, giving a face and voice to those neglected by our current health care system. After his failed attempt at dismantling the Bush political machine with Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004), he waited a few years before releasing this investigation into a bureaucracy that allows insurance companies to swindle the ill. The work is powerful, though less heralded than his Oscar-winning film, Bowling For Columbine (2002). Say what you want about Moore, but he knows how to get to us - with guns, sick people and war.

Sicko

My mom once recounted how, at a screening of Rocky, the audience actually stood up and cheered Sly on during the climactic fight. Being a cinema purist, this would have annoyed me, just as it did during Sicko. Every few minutes, a man in the row before mine would break the code of theater etiquette to bark out encouragements to Mr. Moore. After the third "Atta boy, Michael!" I’d about had it. The display was unwanted, but I couldn't blame the guy - the film was powerful, and deserving of more than just some flaccid lauding from a yuppie nerd with a box of Sno Caps.

Admittedly, I found it hard to reconcile Fahrenheit 9/11's purpose with its slapdash production, despite all its good intentions. The film and its supporters may have failed to swing the election, but Sicko, with its careful pacing and humor, is Moore’s most relevant work to date. After all, not everyone lost someone to 9/11 or has served, or knows someone serving in Iraq. But everyone, Conservative or Liberal, gets sick. It's not a partisan matter, and no one is safe from criticism, not even Hillary Clinton, once a purveyor of universal health care, now one of the biggest supporters of HMOs.

Sicko parades out a bunch of first-hand accounts on the inhuman methods of the insurance and drug companies. Patients and former employees tell their stories, from a man forced to choose which of his two severed fingertips will be repaired, to an agent from Cigna who breaks down in tears because of her involvement in denying life saving benefits. Moore shows how those with coverage are left paying exorbitant fees because of loopholes found by insurance companies, even when the insured are previously approved for certain treatments. Drastic measures are taken in the pursuit of medical care, from treating oneself (a man sewing up a gash in the first few minutes of the movie) to posing as a Canadian citizen.

Certainly Moore is not telling us anything new; we've known for years that Americans look outside the U.S. for cheap treatment and medication. More than anything, the movie is a guidebook into the politics that play into how and why the richest country in the world can't provide its own people with a basic need, and, in many cases, outright deny it. More than in previous projects, Moore seems affected by the escalating instances of cruelty dug up during his investigation. At one point, he appears genuinely overwhelmed, and drops his self-satisfied wisecracking to ask, "Who are we?”, the camera lingering on a confused elderly woman literally dumped at a L.A. rescue mission by a hospital that refused to treat her.

Gathering these horror stories was easy enough -- Moore simply posted a request for them on Craigslist. But this is Michael Moore, and that means taking it to the next level. Some of his stunts are brazen and left me a little skeptical, such as his highly controversial excursion to Cuba, one that got him in hot water for defying trade embargoes. He transports deathly ill 9/11 volunteers to a country where Gitmo prisoners are given better medical treatment than they are. The group is seen by Cuban doctors who diagnose and treat them for free.

While viewers are supposed to forget that Cuba ranks lower than the U.S. in regards to quality of medical care, as seen on a list showcased earlier in the movie, the hospitality and willingness of the Cubans urges one to question the factors that went into the grading. Does Cuba rank lower than the U.S. because they have less qualified medical personnel or because their third world economy deprives them of cutting edge medical equipment? Or is this whole episode much like the president of Venezuela's gift of oil to low-income American families, a thumb-nosing out to show up the incompetency of the U.S. government? While the Cuba incident may have been suspiciously staged, it gets the message across: there's something horribly wrong here.

What's scarier is, unlike Moore's previous films where there are no easy solutions (Bowling For Columbine ends on a chillingly ambiguous note), there is a solution, and it's already modeled in our equally democratic allies France, Great Britain and Canada: preventive, universal health care. While I wished Moore could have provided a few flaws within their systems, the comparison questions our country's ability to achieve success with-gasp!-socialized health care. When asked if the feat is possible, one French physician unhesitatingly replies no, falling in line with the documentary's other expert opinions who believe our system to be flawed beyond repair.

But Moore does offer a glimmer of hope. As tempting as he makes expatriating look, he's still pro-American, and what's more American than being an agitating jerk? Maybe we can use some of our talents to rebel against what one former member of British Parliament sights as the fear and demoralization the government uses to keep people under control. But how quickly can these tactics garner results in a society so entrenched in a privatized for-profit machine? When his five-year-old daughter is denied half of her double hearing implant surgery (the procedure deemed "experimental" by his insurance company) one of Sicko's subjects writes an angry letter to the company outlining his involvement in Moore's film. As viewers see, upon receiving the letter, the company approves the other implant. If that's not instant gratification, I don't know what is.

Grade I originally gave it: A
Grade I give it now: A (when will this topic stop being relevant?)