My first television watching stint since I moved to Syracuse lasted until 3AM last night, as I strove to catch up on anything I've missed in the last 5 days. As it's mostly paid commercial programming and Carson Daly (yes, Daly, someone mentioned your name - calm down) after 1AM, there wasn't much basic cable had to offer, except of course the celebrity news show Extra. But it's a good thing I delayed sleep to watch it or else I never would have learned about the new upcoming movie musical starring Christina Aguilera and CHER! It sounds like a diva train wreck for the ages. Cher stars as the owner of a failling burlesque club who teaches a young protege (Aguilera) how to perform. Does it sound ridiculous? YES! Does it sound like a horrible combination of Coyote Ugly and Showgirls? YES! Will I be first in line to see it? YES YES YES! As anyone who has seen the wallpaper on my laptop will know, I love Cher. I've watched Moonstruck enough times to quote it in my sleep. I proudly sing "Dark Lady" at karaoke nights where most people are doing renditions of Def Leppard or bad rap. I also own her music on vinyl, and seriously, who still owns Cher records?
Oh my god, Cher, you're so cool! Can I pet your horse? Can I touch your leather vest? Can I brush your hair? Oh please, Cher!
Beyond the concept though, is the Extra interview where Ms. Aguilera (she's married now, but who cares) and the former Mrs. Bono can't hide their lack of enthusiasm when questioned about working together. The editing really clinched it - Aguilera's super fake smile and struggle to find words to describe how awesome Cher is intercut with footage of Cher talking about giving the first time actress pointers on acting. Apparently, those pointers didn't take, because XTina can't even convincingly lie about how much she enjoyed the whole experience.
C'mon Christina! The woman is still working in her 60s, she produced hit singles in her 50s, and, as far as I'm concerned, she introduced autotune to the mainstream before anyone even heard of T-Pain - seriously, listen to "Believe" again sometime and just try to refute me. Why wouldn't you cherish every precious word that comes out of her crazy plastic face?
And that's why I say now, Christina, if Cher gives you advice on acting, you take it! It's Cher! The woman won an Oscar, an accomplishment that defies scientific reality, and she accepted it wearing an dress that would make a Vegas showgirl feel uncomfortable! You would be nothing without her! We would still be subjected to wholesome, boring, god forsaken assholes like Debbie Boone if not for her trail blazing! You would be bopping around in malls like Tiffanie if not for her straddling a giant ship cannon/phallus in a duct tape outfit! She made you, Aguilera, you and that leather clad stage gyrating that you call dancing and your stupid personas. What are you now, Pin Up Queen or Robot Sex Doll or something? I haven't listened to your last two albums so I don't give a shit. Well, guess what - Cher did all that before you were even an ovum in your mother's uterus! She wrote the rules, and you and Lady Gaga and all the others will follow! Now wipe that dumb smirk off your face and go marry an Allman brother!