The Camletoe That Blighted My Life

Maybe it's because I live in a city with a large hipster population, or maybe it's because I work at a place where a lot of these tragically hip young people shop. Or it could be that I've been reading a lot of GoFugYourself lately. No matter what the reason, I've noticed a disturbing trend. And that's why I say now, ladies, please, I beseech you, stop wearing leggings/footless tights as if they're pants.

I thought the hippie headband was bad. Now I wanna take every Pochahontas looking, Mischa Barton wannabe jackass and kiss her on the sweaty braid indent left on her forehead. Even those girls who tuck sweatpants into their Ugg boots every winter don't upset me as much. And do you know why? Because I can't see their LABIAS!

I don't care how much of a skinny clothes hanger you think you are, you still have equipment down there that needs strapped in, preferably with something that isn't made of 99% spandex. Sure, stars like Lindsay Lohan parade around with their asses barely coverd by a thin layer of material so flimsy, a hang nail could destroy it. But it makes you look like you've lost your mind, and your pants left with it. And don't think you're going to fool anyone by trying to disguise them as a pair of jeans . . .

Exhibit A: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Jeggings.



And those starlets photographed wearing them may seem glamorous at first, but you don't see them when they succumb to droopy crotch syndrome, the time of day when the elastic stretches out and your naughty bits start to look like jowls . . .
Exhibit B: This is exaggerated (on purpose, no less), but I think it illustrates my point.



What's more unsettling is the possibility of fashion to come after this. What will the youth of today be sporting when they can no longer stand cold genitalia? Coon skin caps? Eye patches? Shoulder pads are already starting to make a come back.
Actually, with that said, eye patches don't sound so bad now.